Shufflers - love them, hate them, swear at them, ignore them, laugh at them or try desperately to copy them in front of your mirror at home. We've all been there and it seems like its a phenomenon that's not about to shuffle to a quick demise any time soon. So sit back and get prepared for the relentless surge of urban towel wearing scenesters who will be rocking up in their swag outfits and ruining your beloved niche techno/house events. Here are some tips of what you can do to deal with the shuffling apocalypse.
1. Don't go down south.
Don't. Its not worth it. If you're already there then sorry but you've fucked it. The ancient ancestral home of the modern day deep house shuffle is known to be somewhere in the urban wastelands of an apparent ghetto called "London". Experts in linguistics can identify Ally Pally and his crew's dialect as native to that of a London urban youth who thinks he's on the set of Kidulthood - The Musical. Unfortunately recent news has indicated that shufflers have been spotted at Circoloco and the Warehouse Project in the north. But don't worry. They're hard them northern bastards, we can count on them to have a stern word and tell the silly fannies to just pack it in.
2. Sniff lots (and I mean lots) of K.
Although this won't actually take you physically away from the shufflers it will instead make you unaware of their unholy presence in your vicinity as you drift onto the plain of bezzled enlightenment. Now, away from the shufflers and in your own mind you are able to discover the meaning of life. This is apparently how we are all interconnected through a collection of intergalactic bio mechanic spaceships which are fuelled by tech-house, not to be the best shuffler and video yourself cutting shapes. When you come out of your hole and stop trying climb the walls of the club whilst rubbing your face vigorously on them, go buy another 4 grams and repeat. Here, in this very special place there are no shufflers, no obey caps, no dodgy urban accents and certainly no BOY london t-shirts. Here you are at peace my child.
3. Don't do Deep House.
The shufflers surprisingly now claim to have permeated into the normally elite seclusions of the minimal house domain. Although they claim to enjoy minimal it is still widely disputed whether they actually even know what the word minimal means, or the words embarrassment, daft, ridiculous, twat or tit for that matter. What's concrete fact is that a shuffler's legs automatically start their devil jive upon the recognition of a generic 122 bpm "deep house" Hot Waves esque bass line with some nancey vocals. I'm sorry but you've got to forget about your deep house, its taken one for the team. Many people already have no love for what the new era of deep house has become, yet we should still honour it with great respect for acting as a brave buffer between us and all these brain diseased philistines. Take a bow Deep 'Ouse son.
4. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
This is preferable if you hail from the mean streets of a London council estate, reppin that sought after street talk innit. If not, you're going to make yourself look like even more of a brainless parasite. You can go and ponce around in your new air max shades combo, whilst perfecting the latest and freshest YouTube shuffle moves you practised with your mum who probably hates you (no, she definitely hates you). Congratulations you can now take comfort in the fact that you are part of one of the biggest, most uninspiring, talentless and soul destroying aspects of the modern electronic music scene since a rather large nosed man called David came out of Mrs Guetta's wretched auto synced womb.
5. Don't go out.
Stay at home and complain on Facebook and Resident Advisor about the deterioration of the house scene whilst wanking into your KRK bass bin. That feeling of self righteousness and elitism through being a bitter twat is better than what any line of MD + Funktion 1 can make you feel. Honestly staying at home, complaining and eating your own body weight in valium till all this blows over is a really credible option. Maybe you could actually do something with your life instead of spending all your cash on grams of shit ketamine (we all know its not as good as it once was) and tickets to see people push buttons in dark rooms filled with a load of twerps you really dislike - week in week out.
We are all fucked.
Marko Randelovic
